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I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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