soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
