Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
