The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
