The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
