I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
