just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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