Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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