can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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