Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
