it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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