I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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