evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
