last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
