Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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