I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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