I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
