He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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