I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
