Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
