Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
