Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
