JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
