I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Randomize
