She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
