how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
My balls are so social today.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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