Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
