happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
