I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
