The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
