A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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