I feel like abortions should bother me more
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
