Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
