come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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