Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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