i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
