before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
