my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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