he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
