I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
