i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
