Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
