Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
