You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
