shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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