question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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