Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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