The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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