The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
