Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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