I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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