once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
