i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
