1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
