my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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