So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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