This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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