I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
