they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize