vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
