update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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